It was in the late 70’s and to me there was no bigger man in the world than my grandpa. He was tough as nails. It calls back the old Johnny Cash song, but grandpa’s name was Amy. Yes, I said Amy. He went by A.W. Lawrence for obvious reasons.
He worked his whole life for Union Carbide in West Virginia. It was the only other plant that had the same operation as the one in Bhopal India. That alone raises his toughness score. Throw in that he was built like a truck, had tattoos (a big deal in the 70’s), raised his own food, and taught me to hunt. Oh, and there is the fact that as a young man he was a professional boxer. Like I said, tough as nails!
He was in from West Virginia visiting the family and we had no place for him to sleep. So he went out and bought a bigger bed for my room and slept with me. I still have the dresser that he bought with it. One evening we were going through our normal routine. Dad and I would watch the classics. Dukes of Hazard, or Starsky and Hutch, or The Incredible Hulk. Then it was bedtime. Grandpa had never really watched TV like that, so he was amazed all night long.
We all laughed at how cheesy TV was, but inside Grandpa was shocked at the color and the effects. How could the car survive those jumps? And how did Bill Bixby turn into Lou Ferrigno? He loved it, but it did have a more profound effect on him than any of us knew. We went on to bed and fell off to sleep. That’s when it happened.
Even Heroes feel fear
It was close to 3 AM when I woke up to grandpa screaming! I was 8 or 9 at the oldest and it scared me to death. I ran into Mom and Dad’s room yelling to wake them up. “Grandpa’s having a heart attack! Grandpa’s having a heart attack!” Dad sprung out of bed and went running into my room where Grandpa was still screaming the same thing over and over again. “Get him off of me, get him off of me!” Dad shook him awake and we all realized that grandpa was having a nightmare.
He had never seen a horror movie or a scary TV show and the sight of a huge green man throwing other men through windows got to him. He was dreaming about just that, The Incredible Hulk. But the Hulk wasn’t throwing grandpa through a window, or through a wall. He wasn’t smashing his car or busting through a door. No, he was dreaming that the Hulk was sitting on him. That’s all, just sitting there on his chest. Not moving or growling or hurting anyone, Just sitting there.
When our fears manifest in our minds they always seem much bigger than they really are.
Dreams and nightmares are not my strong suit, but I do know a thing or two about fear. I’m fairly certain that you do too. We all fear something inside of us. And that fear can haunt us even in our dreams. I would have to say that if I am honest and brutal with myself, if I am completely transparent, I know what my true fear is. You may not have dug deeply enough to let that happen, to unbury why you hold back, why you act the way you do. You may not know why you aren’t living your dream, but whatever you discover with God’s help, I assure you, that just like me the fear controls your future is a lie.
I am taking a risk right now, but my fear, that thing I haven’t been able to leave in God’s hands, is my past. I won’t go into detail, but mistakes and choices have taken root in my life. The fear of being judged, or exposed as less than who I want you to see keeps me from going more public with ministry. I know what I should do, and I know that I need to let God sort out other’s reaction to what He calls me to do, but the fear can be crippling.
Like Paul, I am not saying that I have attained, but rather that I aspire to.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns” Philippians 1:6
Why am I typing this if I fail at it? Simple, we never have it all together. To pretend that I do is ridiculous. I don’t feel badly for the failings, because I know that we are imperfect and will all fail at some point. But I do feel the shame that the fear of having those failings exposed causes. It erodes my confidence and stops me from being who I am.
Grandpa was a big man, a strong man, a tough man, and capable of handling himself in a fight. But faced with the fear of that green giant he screamed helplessly when it wasn’t even trying to hurt him. In fact IT WAS A DREAM! It wasn’t even real! Here I am, a grown man, knowing the power of an all mighty God. Believing for freedom, believing for grace, believing for rescue and yet I cower in fear of something that may not even be real. Fear and shame go hand in hand and its the one two punch that even a boxer like Grandpa couldn’t duck.
“So we can confidently say; ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’
Hebrews 13:6
So this is me, laying my fears in front of God. Let men say what they say, let life do what it does, but I will be true to what I am to do, and who I am to be.
What is your true fear? What is holding you back from living the eternal, powerful, full life that God has for you to live? I dare you! I dare you to reveal that to one person that you know wants God’s best for you. Then do what you know that you should in spite of that big green guy! You may find its not the Hulk, but a disadvantaged athlete turned actor that is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. When God brings you through your fear the Hulk becomes Lou Ferrigno. Your fear is tamed and you overcome and win!
Fear can’t keep you down if you don’t let him. Today and any day that I feel weak and too small to handle that fear, any time I see myself wavering from the dream God placed in me I will shout to the Lord in unison with my grandpa, “Get him off of me! Get him off of me!”